Today, I Choose

I sit here in a new (to me) coffee shop in downtown Hickory working on homework  across from a friend, Chip. Whenever we get together to do our homework together, we know from the outset that we will not just do the homework that we have been assigned, but we will catchup and talk without the guarded walls that most of the time we, like everyone else, have. We jump in and share our hearts. Today, it seems that I have been the one who has dominated the sharing of my heart. Through our talks and his probing questions, I have realized  the amounts of defensive walls that have been built around my heart and consequentially, me. It is weird because I used to pride myself on not having those walls. I was the guy who so arrogantly (and I see now, harshly) told folks that they should drop the guard and be open. I was the guy who thought that he was the great relater.

As I thought about it, I have been in a new place for about seven months now and I have not really opened myself. I have lived surface with people. I have not trusted any new people with "me". I am still afraid. "To allow others in would be to open yourself to being hurt and the possibility of you hurting the people who you love", I think to myself.

It is interesting how this can occur without ever really realizing it, consciously. I have become the person that I never thought that I would: The Guarded Guy. I know that this is not a healthy place to live. I think that there is wisdom in not putting yourself out there for everyone to have the opportunity to hurt you. However, to guard off yourself is not healthy either. I am not sure that I am loving That Guy. In fact, I know that I do not love That Guy. He sucks and he's gotta go!

 Side Note: My buddy just left and we hugged goodbye. This is not abnormal for me to hug my friends goodbye, no matter the gender, but I am now convinced that the dude sitting at the table across from me thinks that I am gay...not that there's anything wroooong with that (Seinfeld reference, lol)

I know that I want to be devoted and committed wherever I am. I know that I want to be known and to know. I know that I do not want to be "that guy" and by God's grace I will not.

Today, I choose to drop the defenses. Today, I choose to live loved. Today, I choose to forgive and live forgiven. Today.

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