Gone but Never Over 11/23/10

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Mammie Lee Goodwin
Born: December 19, 1936
Died: November 23, 2010

I took this picture of my grandma a little over a month before she died. She died. That still gets me. Death is so final; so unforgiving. No matter what you had not done with or for a person prior to their death, it remains undone or unsaid. 

As I think about my gma, I immediately smile. I hear her laugh which is so distinct in my mind. I hear her saying my full name with the emphasis on RAY...RAYshawn. I hear her asking me if I'm hungry. I hear her telling me, "Well, don't hurry." when I go to leave after visiting for hours. I hear he telling joke to Ms. Loula Mae, her best friend of 70 yrs. I hear her asking me to get her some of the fish that was "fried hard". 

Then there are the memories and smells. Now, when I smell tea, I think about all of the "Russian Tea" that she would make for my home church's "Rainbow Tea". I think of all of the Easter Egg Hunts that we had at her house. I think about her phone number that had the coolest rhyme 2722702. I think about, well...when I think about grandma, the memory that most hits me is the memory of being secure. Being safe. In contrast to my biological grandmother, my Grandma loved me. She "oogled" over me, clear up to her last days.
My Grandma (and Grandpa),most importantly, had the greatest influence on me as a Christian. Were it not for her (them) I am not sure the trajectory my life would have taken. I remember going to my grandparent's each weekend and often mult times during the week. Gosh I miss her so much. This is rambled, I know. But it is near six a.m. and I have been awake thinking about her. Crying. Sobbing. Cussing. Confused. 

I would give so much just to have one more kiss. One more hug. One more laugh with you, Grandma. But I know that is not going to happen on this side of heaven. I will settle for my fond memories. I will settle for the smile you gave me in the Hospice Room on Monday night. I will settle for the love that can never wither, fade or die. I will settle for the pictures. Those must suffice until I see you in heaven.

Grandma:

The days are cold living without you
The nights are long, I’m growing older
I miss the days of old, thinking about you
You may be gone, but you’re never over

Lord I’m so thankful, please don’t think I don’t feel grateful, I do
Just grant me the strength that I need, for one more day to get through

I love you grandma! You are gone but never over. You are my hero, one of my biggest fans and my heart.


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